Park Slope Candy Shortage Ends In Violent Melee!

First they came for the strippers—and now Park Slope has apparently turned
ed against Halloween completely and denied its precious and bright children candy itself. According to an irate reader, nearly every store along 5th Ave ran out of sweets before the sun had even set!

"I was shopping yesterday Park Slope on 5th Avenue and almost every clothing store was out of candy at 6pm!! How is it possible for stores to sell sweaters for $400 and spend so little on candy for local kids on Halloween? I specifically remember Diane Kane had none, and the store owner two doors down from Diane Kane was complaining that she spent $25 on candy and it was all gone at 6pm. $25 is nothing! Ironically, Beacon's Closet had someone in front of the store giving away TONS of candy."
Slope children were apparently none too happy about Diana Kane ruining their Halloween. Later in the night, according to this message board posting, things went quickly south:
"does anyone happen to know why several dozen police officers and at least two ambulances -- all with sirens blaring -- converged on 5th avenue between president and carroll st. at around 8.30pm halloween night?
i overheard someone in the crowd saying that two men were fighting, the cops tried to break it up, and one of the men started fighting with the cops. but i came upon the scene about 60 seconds too late to figure it out for myself."

Children in street brawls after tony boutiques deny them Jolly Ranchers! It's no Union Square shooting, but it's yet more proof of the terrible nightmare this wretched holiday has become. Doesn't anybody know the real meaning of Halloween???